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April 1, 2007
12:13 am
I am known to be a strong person... a girl who is always smiling though I’m already struggling. My friends say that I can overcome all the challenges that will come my way… never did I surrender to the challenges if life… how I wish I can still be that “madz” that the people know. But come to think of it, being branded as a “strong” person scares me… I know I appear to be fine most of the time, but sometimes looks can really be deceiving… for the past few days, I have been so sensitive and very moody. I have become short tempered and I get irritated easily...
I am fine, I don’t know… mixed emotions. I don’t know what happening to me… I act like I’m okay, I look okay but when the night is almost over, I find myself with the “blues”. Suddenly I don’t really feel fine…
è Sometimes in order to cheer up, it’s nice to see there are others who are worse off, or at least feel the same as you do”
… I found that quote and it kinda fits in me lately. I am still discovering what is making me sad for a long time… my friend told me that, “may inaalagaan ka diyan sa loob mo at ikaw lang ang makakaalam niyan.”… Whatever that is, I wish to know about it… I hate this feeling that I feel like crying even when there’s no reason at all. I feel anxious even when I don’t have to. Maybe my friend is completely true… she told me this, “Cause you deny the things that would relieve the pain in your heart. Sinasabi mo na you’re ok but the truth is you’re not”. Then I told her that I’m okay because there’s no reason for me not to be fine at all… then she told me, “If you’re ok, you wouldn’t feel that way. You act as if everything is fine because you want to show the people around you that you’re fine. Pinapahirapan mo lang sarili mo”… and it hit me. She’s correct… because I am branded as a “strong” person, I appear to be like that most of the time… but deep inside I am scared of a lot of things even the little and simple things scare me…
There are lots of things in my life that I have to deal with… I don’t know if I have emotional problems or what so ever. I am not so sure if my past has something to do with what I am feeling right now… I really have no idea what I am so sad about… as much as I don’t want to think about this anymore, I can’t because I keep experiencing the same feeling for so long already… it’s just that I experience the same feeling when I least expect that I would feel it again… maybe I’m just scared of a lot of things… maybe I just think too much…but why do I think too much anyways??? *sob*
>> in times like this, I just want a long and warm hug… I want someone who will listen to me and will not be harsh to tell me that I am being a “child” or a “weirdo” for feeling this way… at this point, I know what is one of the reasons why I feel this way… I miss the people who make me feel special. I miss the people who make me laugh to make me forget my problems for a little while… I miss the people who I used to spend most of my time with… I miss them because with them I feel complete, I feel loved, I feel cared for, I feel understood, I feel accepted… my kulasa batch mates, damby, ms. Mel, ms.macis, ms.alice, ms.aprell, Dhoepz, mama candy, sis zhelle, ryza, mommy chin, mommy gaile…
“What is loneliness??? Loneliness is when you’re looking for comfort and you hold your own hand =’( “
anak ng..
bkt gnto? sobrang iba feeling ko!
sobrang bigat! sobrang not in the mood..
npka short ng temper ko...
naiiyak ako kht wla nmang dhilan...........................
i don't understand myself na..ewan ko... i might look like i'm ok and all.as in i look happy...pero hindi eh...i'm not happy..pero i'm not sad..weird noh?.dami ko lang talagang iniisip....but i'm good at hiding my sadness..
is this really a part of growing up ????..it's killing me!!!!!
nagiging emotional ako..
kanina lang katext ko yung friend ko...and she was like joking me na baka di ko na siya kelangan kasi madami naman na kong friends... i took it seriously and i really felt bad...before naman,we would just joke about those things..laugh about..parang nanlalambing lang..pero ngayon..ewan ko..
ewan ko..prang lahat ng sinasabi ng mga tao sa paligid ko tlgang dinadamdam ko..
masyado din akong naghahanap ng affection.. i find myself weird na nga sometimes eh kasi i talk to myself..as in "talk"..sinasagot ko din sarili ko..but don't be scared..i'm not crazy.medyo lang.
i just can't understand what i'm going through right now. ung tipong parang something is missing..something is wrong but i really don't know what that "something" is...
argh!!!
i feel so unloved.........................................................
can someone just give me a hug.... please...
last march 18, sunday was a memorable yet embarassing day for me.. my college friends and i went to EK to celebrate because finals is already done...and yes, we just want to have some fun! who wouldn't want to?? second year na kmi.Ü time flies so fast talaga.. parang kelan lang first sem plng,adjustments....tpos ngaun magsecond year na kmi...ang saya dahil nksurvive kmi sa pagiging toxic ng nursing..shocks! by next sem, may duty na..God! i'm so excited about that..sana mkaabot ako.haha
okei,.let's go back.. we were at the band stand.some were eating and some were just watching the band..it's a new band actually.."impulse" ata name..before kc mpower ang tumutugtog dun..ok..so my friends,as aslways, were crazy..the vocalists were asking for jammers..and my friends shouted out my name..Golly! but i did not want to go up and sing in front of a lot of people. the nerves!! but because one of the vocalists went to my place,i was not able to resist anymore.and also my friends were very much insisting for me to sing on the stage..and...yes! unfortunately,,i sang in front of a lof people with the band..i felt timid,,i even forgot the lyrics of the song that i always sing.."till they take my heart away"..buti nlng the girl vocalist,helped me.she gave me a copy of the song..and so,,i was not able to back out already..pinanindigan ko na..kumanta na ko..in the end,the band said i have a beautiful voice and it was worth it for me to sing in front..*thanks*
the funny things is that, i told my friend before i watched the band that i would want to perform on stage with a band..and yes, it came true! the magic really is in enchanted kingdom!
okay..so it's hell weak again..
studying is not like my passion..arg...why do i have to study pa kc eh..
and, oh..btw.. i'm recommended for 2nd yr...thank God..Ü i'll do my best pra mkpg stay sa tipol til 4th yr..wah..how i wish..sooo,,, i just realized i'm not a total failure..konti lng..
i have to go..still have lots of requirements to finish...IT!! the hell..
Labels: yeah
sometimes i just really want to disappear..
sometimes i just want to sleep for the rest of my life.
sometimes i just want to keep quiet and not think of anything...
sometimes i just want to cry until my head hurts badly...
sometimes i just want to hurt myself and die..
sometimes i just want to scream and curse the person..
sometimes i just want to get out of this mess..
sometimes i just want to stay away from this...
sometimes i just don't want to live anymore...
but sometimes... wishes don't come... what hurts the most is that... what i want to happen most of the time just won't come true...
while i am on this verge of giving up,,who can i turn to????
Only HIM..
i know he listens but i am still not okay...
