April 1, 2007
12:13 am
I am known to be a strong person... a girl who is always smiling though I’m already struggling. My friends say that I can overcome all the challenges that will come my way… never did I surrender to the challenges if life… how I wish I can still be that “madz” that the people know. But come to think of it, being branded as a “strong” person scares me… I know I appear to be fine most of the time, but sometimes looks can really be deceiving… for the past few days, I have been so sensitive and very moody. I have become short tempered and I get irritated easily...
I am fine, I don’t know… mixed emotions. I don’t know what happening to me… I act like I’m okay, I look okay but when the night is almost over, I find myself with the “blues”. Suddenly I don’t really feel fine…
è Sometimes in order to cheer up, it’s nice to see there are others who are worse off, or at least feel the same as you do”
… I found that quote and it kinda fits in me lately. I am still discovering what is making me sad for a long time… my friend told me that, “may inaalagaan ka diyan sa loob mo at ikaw lang ang makakaalam niyan.”… Whatever that is, I wish to know about it… I hate this feeling that I feel like crying even when there’s no reason at all. I feel anxious even when I don’t have to. Maybe my friend is completely true… she told me this, “Cause you deny the things that would relieve the pain in your heart. Sinasabi mo na you’re ok but the truth is you’re not”. Then I told her that I’m okay because there’s no reason for me not to be fine at all… then she told me, “If you’re ok, you wouldn’t feel that way. You act as if everything is fine because you want to show the people around you that you’re fine. Pinapahirapan mo lang sarili mo”… and it hit me. She’s correct… because I am branded as a “strong” person, I appear to be like that most of the time… but deep inside I am scared of a lot of things even the little and simple things scare me…
There are lots of things in my life that I have to deal with… I don’t know if I have emotional problems or what so ever. I am not so sure if my past has something to do with what I am feeling right now… I really have no idea what I am so sad about… as much as I don’t want to think about this anymore, I can’t because I keep experiencing the same feeling for so long already… it’s just that I experience the same feeling when I least expect that I would feel it again… maybe I’m just scared of a lot of things… maybe I just think too much…but why do I think too much anyways??? *sob*
>> in times like this, I just want a long and warm hug… I want someone who will listen to me and will not be harsh to tell me that I am being a “child” or a “weirdo” for feeling this way… at this point, I know what is one of the reasons why I feel this way… I miss the people who make me feel special. I miss the people who make me laugh to make me forget my problems for a little while… I miss the people who I used to spend most of my time with… I miss them because with them I feel complete, I feel loved, I feel cared for, I feel understood, I feel accepted… my kulasa batch mates, damby, ms. Mel, ms.macis, ms.alice, ms.aprell, Dhoepz, mama candy, sis zhelle, ryza, mommy chin, mommy gaile…
“What is loneliness??? Loneliness is when you’re looking for comfort and you hold your own hand =’( “
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